Greetings; It’s that time of the week again. Peter Gorbert said I shouldn’t do good news intros anymore so I’m scrapping them. Apparently they were killing the mood. Normally I would tell him to shove his recommendations up his arsehole but until someone complains and asks for it back I guess it will remain gone.
Speaking of arseholes, David But can die in a fire.
Hear me moan,
The Chinese Room have made this beautiful exploration game called Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture. Presumably you’re the only survivor because you’re free to enter peoples’ homes and rummage through their sh*t; either that or this is a Legend of Zelda sim.
everybody’s gone to the rapture car
Anyway, the only controls are ‘walk around’ and ‘interact’. During testing it was brought to The Chinese Room’s attention that the ‘walk around’ function was too slow so they implemented a ‘run around’ function – which they promptly forgot to include in the game manual or promote on their website, Twitter or Facebook.
To be fair to them Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture was too far into development to start making changes to the in-game manual (apparently) but The Chinese Room should take full responsibility – it isn’t the reviewer or the consumer’s job to ask the developers if there are any extra/hidden controls. I know it’s a game about discovery but if that’s true for the controls then they wouldn’t have told you how to walk or interact in the first place, so let’s all bury that bullshit excuse deep underground.
At Gamescom 2015 Ubisoft revealed that Evie Frye, from Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, can turn invisible. I bet you’re thinking, “That’s a nice touch. Does she blend into the shadows like a ninja?”
No. No she does not. She literally turns invisible. This isn’t contextual stealth, like when you automatically crouch in long grass. It doesn’t matter where you’re standing, Evie can turn transparent wherever she is. That’s not stealth – that’s magic.
Evie Frye Assassin’s Creed Syndicate Invisible
The Assassin’s Creed games are already crammed with pseudo-gods and magic weapons but I’m pretty sure her invisibility powers aren’t because of a Piece of Eden – it’s a gimmicky game mechanic that has no purpose narratively, and quite frankly it feels like cheating.
And where will Ubisoft draw the line? Don’t be surprised if next year’s Assassin’s Creed title has you zip-lining across Zimbabwe in bullet-time.
Quentin Tarantino’s eighth (and possibly last) feature film will be in cinemas on Christmas Day. The Hateful Eight (that’s the H8ful Eight if you’re a teenager or undergoing a mid-life crisis) is about a bunch of bounty hunters who get trapped inside a log cabin during a snow storm and apparently one of them isn’t a bounty hunter? I don’t know, I don’t care, I haven’t read a synopsis or anything – I can only tell you what I know from the trailer.
The Hateful Eight
Visually the film looks stunning. It’s a combination of locale, sexy snow, cool costumes and 70mm film. However, I can’t say the same for the plot. Tarantino is great at writing long conversations that end in bloodshed but his previous films haven’t done much to impress me.
I saw Pulp Fiction too late in life so it was meaningless; I had seen too many pop culture references and heard most of the dialogue from other people. Reservoir Dogs was boring; it took me two or three attempts to watch it. I liked Inglorious Basterds but I’ve been told it’s his least ‘Tarantino-styled’ film. I enjoyed Django Unchained the most – probably a result of the juxtaposition between the Western setting and the contemporary urban soundtrack.
Anyway, I don’t have to justify myself. Not everyone wants to lick the dick of every popular film maker. Most of your mouths are so full of Christopher Nolan or Josh Whedon I’m surprised you have any space left for Tarantino’s throbbing boner.
In other news, a psychologist who studies haunted dolls videotaped a haunted puppet moving. Basically, this guy inherited the puppet after his father passed away. One night he woke up choking, like he was being strangled, and he believes it was a ghost attached to the puppet trying to kill him – he swiftly contacted haunted doll collector Jayne Harris to take it off his hands. Jayne sealed it into a glass container and recorded it for 3 months. She eventually caught this harrowing footage.
Sweet dreams, pussies!
Duck Hunt,
Lee the Lamentor
