Peter Gorbert. What a prick. He’s been pestering me for a shout-out since week one, so I’ve eventually taken the bait and given him what he’s asked for… Or...

Peter Gorbert. What a prick. He’s been pestering me for a shout-out since week one, so I’ve eventually taken the bait and given him what he’s asked for… Or have I? I must confess that Peter was one of my inspirations for starting Lee the Lamentor. He always found me something to moan about. However, now that I broadcast my complaints in a blog read by millions (probably) he’s been quite vocal how my blog doesn’t meet his expectations.

You’ve shown me your itch and I’ve tried to scratch it, but perhaps some itches weren’t supposed to be scratched.

Hear me moan,

I want to take a minute to defend Zack Snyder. I’m unashamed to admit I’m a Snyder fan. I enjoy all of his films, apart from that George Romero remake he made starring Phil from Modern Family. Dawn of the Dead has never been a good film anyway, no matter what incarnation you’re watching.

300 didn’t have a great story to begin with and it was the iconic fighting style combined with the colour palette that made it worth viewing. It’s a visual spectacle.

Sucker Punch’s narrative wasn’t great, which wasn’t Snyder’s intentions, but it has some deep symbolism and themes that are ignored. For example, the entire film is a series of layers, none of which are literal. The first layer is a stage play, the second is a manifestation of Babydoll’s imprisonment, and the third are her fantasies. It’s a visual spectacle.

Watchmen is one of my favourite films and I prefer the film adaptation to the comic (sorry, graphic novel). Not all of the changes Snyder made are worth worshipping but omitting the giant alien squid was the best decision he could have made. Needless to say though, his interpretation (if you can even call it that) was always going to face hostile criticism. Overall, it’s a visual spectacle.

Putting my opinion aside what has he done to deserve any hate? He’s not Damon Lindelof, is he?

Urgh – Damon fucking Lindelof! I can’t think of a writer I hate more than this guy. He’s a master at throwing random, intriguing elements together but it’s impossible for him to draw them to a harmonious conclusion. In theory nobody should have liked Lost past its first season. What a mess.

Jon Spaights wrote an awesome prequel to the Alien franchise called Prometheus but most of us hated that film because Damon Lindelof butchered it into the confusing mess we all witnessed.

I was really excited for Tomorrowland so I IMDB’d it. Now I’m not so excited, because Damon Lindelof is involved. I already know it will introduce some interesting ideas that will either be sacrificed half-way through or fall at the last hurdle in the final act. Why does Hollywood keep hiring this guy?

Speaking of Hollywood, I’m so tired of the Superhero line-up. Every time I see that picture of all the Superhero films planned over the next few years I can feel my wallet getting fatter. Why? Because I won’t be spending any money at the cinema. It’s so overwhelming.

There is one benefit to this over-saturation though – it makes all the original films much more compelling to see. We need more films like Ex Machina and Chappie to stand out, and then when cinemas are chock full of Sci-Fi films I’ll bitch about how Hollywood needs to stop making them too.

Don’t get me wrong, it’ll be great once the Marvel Cinematic Universe is finished because that will make an excellent blu-ray boxset but I have my suspicions it won’t end after Civil War. Hollywood loves to beat a dead horse but I already feel like there’s no horse anymore. Hollywood execs are pounding blood-soaked concrete instead.

It’s all too much, is what I’m saying. One chain of movies is enough, but we have DC throwing their chips on the table too. IT’S SERIOUSLY ALL TOO MUCH!

Who has been asking for a new Mad Max film? I can’t name a single person, but now that it’s here everyone is over joyous and praising it. I haven’t seen it, I’m sure it’s a cinematic masterpiece in league with 12 Years a Slave and Fifty Shades of Grey, but none of the promotion has convinced me. Everything is brown and orange, everything billows black smoke and the number of explosions trumps all of Michael Bay’s films combined! I have no idea what Mad Max is about and if I don’t know by now then the marketing has failed significantly.

Who has been asking for a new Point Break? ZERO PEOPLE! When someone says the new Point Break looks good I go Super Saiyan and knock down a school full of children. It doesn’t look good. It looks terrible. In the trailer there’s a ridiculous-looking moment of a woman riding a CGI wave. Why? Oceans exist. Surfers surf all the freaking time. CGI dinosaurs I understand, but someone surfing a wave is misusing technology.

And like Jamie Martin said, there’s already an adrenaline-fuelled heist franchise – Fast & Furious.

Holy shit. I had a list of things to moan about but I went down a rabbit hole of movie-induced rage. Now I’m exhausted.

In other news, 73% of fresh shop-bought whole chickens contain the food poisoning bug campylobacter. The bug can be killed by cooking chicken properly (and thoroughly, I would have thought) but that won’t stop the bug from getting all over your hands, work surface, chopping board and cutlery. So drop a nuke on your kitchen.

Duck Hunt,

Lee the Lamentor


Ross worked here once? what ever happened to him?
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