Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Final Fantasy 7 Remake and Live Action Disney Reboots

I generally think it is going to split the fans into two clearly defined groups – the Final Fantasists and the Phony Phantasists

I took the plunge and sunk to lower depths – I installed Windows 10. It actually looks beautiful but it’s far from perfect. You no longer have programs anymore because now they are ‘Apps’. That’s nice and modern, eh? Microsoft are so fucking hip. I admire how Microsoft has built an OS consistent with their tablets but it feels weird with a mousepad and keyboard.

Maybe part of the problem is my laptop because no matter what version of Windows I use my laptop will always be a piece of garbage.

Hear me moan,

In two years’ time we can expect to see another Pirates of the Caribbean film on BBC iPlayer and from what I’ve read on Wikipedia (what can I say, I have journalistic integrity) the plot is downright ridiculous. I’m a huge fan of the first film but the sequels have shaped the PotC saga into a beast that barely resembles a swashbuckling adventure – I’m doubtful the fifth instalment will win back its dignity.
Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell no Tales
You see, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is about Jack Sparrow (who has died twice), Captain Barbossa (also died twice) and Will Turner (kind of dead) trying to find Poseidon’s Trident before a crew of definitely-dead ghost pirates do. It’s absurd. What was once a mythical pirate film about Orlando Bloom plundering magical pirate gold is now a fan-fic writer’s wet dream where not even Greek mythology remains untouched. I can’t wait to see which fictional universe they dip into for PotC 6 – Metal Gear Solid, hopefully!

It seems as if I can’t venture online without coming across Final Fantasy 7 being remade. First it was rereleased on the Playstation Store, and then Square Enix announced at E3 2015 that FF7 is being overhauled for a new generation, and now a talented team of game designers have created a side-scrolling beat-’em-up version of it.

Here’s my gripe: I never had a Playstation console before my PS3 so I missed out on a whole childhood’s worth of 3D Final Fantasy so I already have no investment in the remake. That being said, I am who the remake is targeted towards and this is going to piss off all the ‘original’ fans that are looking for Lady Nostalgia. The FF7 remake won’t resemble the game you’re all expecting it to be, is what I’m saying. It might be a spectacular game (again) but I generally think it is going to split the fans into two clearly defined groups – the Final Fantasists and the Phony Phantasists.

Disney’s D23 2015 took place this week and there were plenty of positive goodies to take away from it. I’ll leave them over there on the shelf for you guys to take though. It should come as no surprise to anyone that I’m bored of the Marvel films but I’ve found another bone to pick – live-action adaptations of Disney classic animations. I don’t want them.

Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland was the first film I took my fiancée to the cinema to see. We were both excited (for different reasons) and we both left disappointed (also for different reasons) so the announcement of a sequel left me stroking my stubble with confusion. I thought the film wasn’t entertaining or memorable enough to warrant a follow-up. But then I find out there’s a live-action Jungle Book and a live-action Beauty and the Beast. There’s already a live-action Cinderella. I really need to stop saying live-action.

It’s obvious that Disney are going to continue down this path until all of the Disney Princesses and Princes have real-life counterparts for future generations to idolise. Within 10 years we will have the live-action Frozen. I think Disney will give it a decade to prevent pissing off the bulk of Frozen’s fanbase, which I’m hoping is between the ages of 4 – 15 and not anything older than that.

It’s far too early for me to be making harsh criticisms of films and games that haven’t been released yet but I’m putting my judgements out there. I will lick my wounds later.

In other news, Kelly Clarkson announced that she is pregnant while on her Piece by Piece tour. I know what you’re thinking – Kelly Clarkson still tours? I’m just as surprised as you are.

Duck Hunt,

Lee the Lamentor


Ross worked here once? what ever happened to him?
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