Hear me moan,
It’s Friday 9th October, which only means one thing – IGN UK Podcast 300… LIVE! It’s impossible to be in a bad mood today. A bunch of Duck Hunters have the great fortune of meeting me and unless I get food poisoning or mugged I’m going to be nice to them. They deserve it.
While I’m off having a good time, allow me to ruin your day with another blog of outrage.
Far Cry Primal was revealed this week. It was first hinted at during a 7-hour stream of a piece of concept art – riveting, I know. I feel sorry for anyone who had to sit through 7 hours of what was essentially a camera zooming out to reveal a big picture.
Then a gameplay trailer surfaced. You hunt mammoths and sabretooth tigers (and probably a host of other prehistoric creatures), and fear-murder rival tribes because humans have always been vile beasts who think they own the ground they walk on.
So what’s my problem? Far Cry 4 hasn’t even celebrated its first birthday yet. Primal is scheduled for a February 2016 release. Far Cry is also an Ubisoft game. Do you know what Ubisoft love? An annualised series. Do you know what else is annualised? Assassin’s Creed – and we all know how piss poor those games have been as of late.
Do we really want Far Cry to tread the same perilous path? We should all be grateful the first Far Cry didn’t kill off the series. I quite liked the animal superpowers by the way. It differentiated it from every other FPS.
I secretly hope Primal ruins the series though, because I can’t think of anything more ironic than a game with a prehistoric setting dooming itself to extinction.
RoboHon is a robot that replaces your mobile phone. He doubles up as a projector, allowing you to blow up your photos or videos onto a wall for easy viewing, and he can even dance because (unlike your mobile phone) he has legs. The concept is genuinely cool; who doesn’t want a robot buddy? But the reality is, at this early stage, RoboHon is a bulky toy that you’ve got to force into your tiny jeans pockets – or hang him round your neck, which looks like the most uncomfortable fucking solution I can imagine.
He responds to voice commands and all the typical utopian actions your current smartphone can, except RoboHon can simulate emotions and has eyes bigger than a puppy’s, but how long will it take before you start jabbing your thumb into his back because its quicker to use your hands than giving a robot instructions?
I’ve had toys that walk and dance. I’ve had toys that require me to walk in order to ‘play’ them. Guess how long it took me to grow tired of trekking to school with a toy clipped to my belt? I resulted to shaking the damn thing like a teenager furiously masturbating. Want to know what happened to the toys that danced? I set them up against one obstacle – stairs.
And I’m telling you right now, no parent will have one of these that doesn’t resemble Ned Stark at the end of season one of Game of Thrones.
Earlier this week I watched three women lose their shit because a cute baby was in the room. It wouldn’t have mattered if the baby was wearing a Star Wars onesie or was covered head-to-toe in vomit, the pantomime I had to endure would have been the same. At one point I was convinced the ladies were possessed by demons because upon making eye contact with the infant they started mumbling an incomprehensible language in a pitch only dogs might hear.
It annoys me because the baby doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. If you smiled and spoke to it like a regular human it would giggle and fart all the same. So what’s actually happening here? Can someone please explain it to me? It’s fucked up to say the least.
The moral: Don’t have kids.
In other news, someone has invented the dildo selfie stick, which is a selfie stick on the end of a dildo. The target audience is definitely women but what’s to stop men from sharing photos of the backs of their heads?
It’s also worth pointing out the entire story is a hoax and you’re an actual arsehole if you think it’s real. #DildoSelfieStick
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