This is very much a second part to last week’s blog in which I discussed the benefits of Video-on-Demand services over the cinema. In doing so I realized just how many issues I have with the cinema despite my love of film. That internal discussion soon manifested itself into something greater than one blog entry and so this week I will be laying down some ground rules on what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour at the cinema. Here is my code of conduct for the cinema:
ALL FOOD WRAPPERS AND PACKAGING MUST BE OPENED BEFORE THE FILM STARTS. You’re mid way through a film, it’s a dramatic scene and the tension is building only to be ruined by the loud crinkling of someone opening a bag of malteasers. After a few strained efforts the consumer manages to rip the bag open only for the consumables to fly out and fall on the floor. The round chocolate balls then continue to noisily roll down the slopped tiered flooring of the cinema before coming to a halt at the feet of the people at the front all while the consumer complains. Open the packaging at the start of the film while the lights are up and if an unfortunate accident does occur at least it’s not interrupting the viewing pleasure of other cinema goers. Food, of course, is a hot topic for cinema rules and regulations. People chewing on popcorn with their mouths open is particularly annoying. Why cinemas sell popcorn, one of the loudest snack foods, is beyond me.
NO STRAWS. Once a bucket size drink has been finished off by the consumer in the cinema they usually think that there is more beverage in the bottom of said container. This doesn’t happen with cups or bottles but many cinema goers will stuck on the straw until they get the very very last bit of water from the melting ice resulting in annoying sucking and slurping noises.
DON’T TAKE CHILDREN TO THE CINEMA IF THEY CANNOT SIT STILL AND BE QUIET DURING THE FILM. When I saw Inception (one of my favourite films) at the cinema with a couple of friends the couple behind us brought their children. The parents obviously wanted to see the film and their kids didn’t because for almost the entirety of the film they were crawling up and down the aisles, past our feet and were just being noisy. At one point near the end of the film, one of the children crawled over my friends foot which suddenly shocked him because he was engrossed in the film. He instinctively kicked his foot and the kid went flying. From that point on they shut up and didn’t come near us.
MAKE SURE YOU DON’T SMELL. I recently saw Blade Runner: the final cut at my local cinema and had to endure sitting next to a man who absolutely stank. There is not much more to say than if you sweat easily and smell then make sure you use deodorant. Simple.
NO PHONES. Turn your phone off before the film begins. The light and noise distracts other audience members. If phones are brought out during a screening then other audience members are allowed to grab it and smash it.
THIS VIDEO SHOULD BE SHOWN BEFORE ALL FILM SCREENINGS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz-l5HiJ3NY
NO TALKING. During the trailers and adverts is fine but once the BBFC certificate screen comes on then silence is mandatory from there on in, unless it is laughter during a comedy or funny moment in any film. Excessive laughter is not allowed, you have to stop before the next line of dialogue is spoken.
8.KEEP TO YOUR OWN SPACE. This means no kicking of other peoples chairs or placing your personal items on chairs next to you etc.
These rules should be engraved onto every cinema for everybody to follow whether it be the pretentious BFI, nationwide chains like Showcase, Odeon, Cineworld or fellow blogger Dave Wyatt’s local tacky sticky-floored Merlin cinema. “How do you intend to enforce these rules and regulations?” you may be asking. Well the answer is bodyguards. The times of spotty teenagers being ushers are over. Cinema chains should hire big Vin Diesel-esque bouncers to work in cinemas. If someone breaks these rules then they are asked to leave and if they say no then the new CSF (Cinema Security Force) remove them with force. Tasers will be used if deemed necessary. The film is paused while the removal takes place.
Are there any rules you want to see in my code of conduct? Tell me in the comments, talk to me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter @kylebrrtt. I am told that you can also subscribe to the blog by clicking on a tag nearby to this body of text to receive an email when the next blog goes live. Next week’s blog will probably be shorter due to the soon to be released Batman Arkham Knight taking up most of my time, a game which I intend to review in this blog at some point in the near future. Until next week: Duck Hunt!