How To Fix Star Wars

A guide to keep fans happy and make money!

Star Wars: The Last Jedi hit the cinemas at the end of last year but appears to have driven a wedge between fans. I’ve seen some people herald it as the best in the franchise and I’ve seen some call it an abomination. There is even a petition to have Disney delete the movie and strike it from canon, which is just plain ridiculous. However you feel about the movie, I’ve devised a sure-fire guide on how to win back fans with episode IX.

This Article Contains Spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

1. Retread Old Ground

One of the most common complaints I have seen has said TLJ does not feel like a Star Wars movie. The Force Awakens, on the other robotic hand, felt very much like a Star Wars movie. TLJ should have simply retold the story of Empire but with new window dressings. Perhaps the reveal of Rey’s parents should have been that she was Kylo’s daughter? perhaps Finn should have been caught by Phasma and frozen in some sort of carbonite type state. I also think Episode VIII missed the mark by not having a Death Star. Maybe Construction of a second, bigger Star Killer base would have been better. Fans want repetition and it’s an injustice to not satisfy them.

2. Be Completely Different

When The Force awoke many fans were quick to point out the similarities between Episode VII and Episode IV. Starkiller base was practically the Death Star only bigger, an orphan on a desert planet has a bigger destiny and is strong in the force etc. Hell, both films include very similar characters including a Wookie called Chewbacca in A new hope and a Wookie called Chewbacca in Force Awakens. That’s just plain lazy storytelling. Fans don’t want to just watch these movies repeat themselves and it’s an injustice not to satisfy them.

3. Everyone needs to be connected

I love being right. Star Wars nerds love being right. Having the reveal of Rey’s parents being nobody’s and not being interconnected to the most important family in the entire galaxy was akin to slapping us in the face with a Gooberfish. We just spent two years speculating on her being the Emperors granddaughter or Luke’s Daughter or Kylo’s nursery school friend. Having her be a nobody was so disappointing. Everyone in the galaxy should be connected through some kind of family relationship otherwise what’s the point? Fan’s don’t want to be wrong and it’s an injustice not to satisfy them.

4. Make Everyone feel disconnected

One of my biggest problems with the prequels was that despite the galaxy being so huge we were constantly bumping into the same characters over and over again. The galaxy feels so small when we are just seeing how everyone is connected. That cool bounty hunter? here he is interacting with Obi-Wan. The cool furry space smuggler? here he is fighting alongside Yoda. The same two droids involved in every major event in the last 60 years. Star Wars fans are smart enough to know that having such a small group of people involved in such a vast galaxy is ridiculous and it’s an injustice not to satisfy them.

5. Explain Everything

Who the force was Snoke? What the porg was the Dark Bumhole on Luke’s island? Was Kylo lying about Rey’s parents? Where Are The Knights Of Ren? The last Jedi just didn’t have all the answers and this makes me mad. Snoke being Jar-Jar Binks made so much sense and it should have explicitly said who he was! Fans have been coming up with some incredible theories and the writers of The Last Jedi have completely ignored them.  Fans spend a lot of time speculating and debating all the questions left open and deserve to be proven correct, it’s an injustice not to satisfy them.

6. Be Mysterious

One of the things Last Jedi failed at was leaving questions unanswered. By the end of force awakens there was so much to think about and keep the Star Wars forums buzzing with excitement that it kept the film alive well after the credits had rolled. However, The Last Jedi didn’t do that.  It focused too much on giving everything an explanation and not enough on leaving questions open to interpretation. Fans spend a lot of time speculating and debating questions left open and deserve to be left with burning mysteries for them to pour over between movies. Quite frankly it’s an injustice not to satisfy them.


So to summerise Star War: Episode IX needs to be exactly the same as Return of the Jedi but tread new ground whilst answering all the questions and mysteries left open from the previous movies and make sure every character is new and connected to each other and be predictable enough for fans to guess what will happen but different enough for them not to know what will happen. How hard can that be?


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Writer, Editor, Risk Taker. Dave Wyatt is the 62nd Heir to the throne. Which throne? He won't tell us. We gave him the task of writing all the profiles and the about us section. As you can see it was a mistake. However we shall keep them because he is totally a handsome chap.
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