My week started badly. I was heavily criticised by Dave Wyatt and Holly Beckwick for not moaning enough. Are you kidding me? I’m breaking everyone in gently so I don’t alienate my audience too soon. I have a heart you know – It’s decaying and smells like rotting bird foetuses, but it’s a home for a thousand maggots.
So this is an official ‘fuck you’ to Dave and Holly, and if you would like a mention on Lee the Lamentor I suggest you approach me with the same demeanour as those two.
Hear me moan,
E3 2015 is approaching, which is basically an open invitation for everyone to start losing their shit over The Last Guardian. Again. For the eighth time. Fun fact: the Japanese name translates to Man-Eating Eagle. Probably a spoiler, but whatever. Odds are it won’t get a mention at E3, and if it does it’ll probably be some ex-employee claiming it’s still in development. If Team Ico do intend on showing in-game footage why should any of us trust it’s for the PS4? Didn’t Team Ico say it would be available on PS3 nearly TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO?!
It’ll never live up to anything we’ve conjured in our minds. So little was known about The Last Guardian that we could all be imagining vastly different games – my money was on it being a giant Tamagotchi pet simulator – which means, no matter what the finished game is, we’ll all be disappointed. I guess I won’t be excessively feeding a feathered dragon and cleaning up its giant turds after all.
Congratulations William and Kate, you accomplished something achievable by two drunken teenagers with a broken condom; you had another baby. Woopty-doo! Making babies is easy, we get it. Preventing them is the hard part. This is just a deflection of my anger though, because there is nothing trivial or counterintuitive about reproduction – we need babies to continue the human race and to keep Pampers in business. I’m irritated with the obsessive ‘fans’. What the hell are they doing with their lives, camping outside a hospital waiting for someone they don’t even know, or will ever meet, give birth? That’s really creepy and it pisses me off how their repulsive behaviour is validated by the media. The media are just as bad, because 24-hour surveillance of a closed hospital door doesn’t make for great television – that’s the start of a horror movie.
Glorifying Kate’s baby-making abilities really undermines all of the other mothers too. Kate is an amazing mum, but so are my mum and your mum, and probably your best friend’s mum too. So where are their make-up artists and television debuts? Everyone is supposed to care that she’s a Princess (sorry, Duchess) but it all feels so artificial because, before she was married to royalty, nobody was at her doorstep grovelling her to drop an 8lb meatball.
Videogame Nation is a TV show I’m proud to say I hate. ‘Hate’ is a strong word, but apparently it’s what you assholes want from me, so be it. It’s a videogame-centric TV show on Challenge. I don’t hate the intentions of the show because covering gaming should be encouraged, but not necessarily on TV. Youtube and Twitch have it covered and the Internet is a platform that reaches more people than Challenge ever will. The format feels dated and suffers from feeling one-step-behind due to sites like IGN and Kotaku having their finger on the trigger at all times. At no point in my life will I turn to Videogame Nation for news or entertainment.
I will however turn to Videogame Nation if I want to feel enraged because there is one particular host who makes me want to throw a grenade into a pet shop. He’s American, his name is John Robertson and his hairstyles are always ridiculous. There are some great hosts (Gav and Aoife, duh!) but this one guy makes me hate the show. Do you know what I hate even more? The fact that this dickhead gets under my skin.
In other news, Kent was hit by an earthquake. Iain Buchanan tweeted, “Thank god for 24 hrs news & social media to find out.” It really puts the Nepal earthquake tragedy into perspective doesn’t it? If only Nepal was a first-world country with a stable internet connection.
Lee the Lamentor