Hear me moan,
Happy New Year. I’m looking forward to seeing what unrealistic resolutions you have made this year and I am especially looking forward to watching you all achieve diddily-squat by February.
You will be happy to know there are plenty of games that I am looking forward to playing in 2016. There’s Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, Tom Clancy’s The Division, Yooka-Laylee, Hellblade, Hyper Light Drifter and The Last Guardian.
But nobody wants to know what games I might enjoy. No, you want to know which games I intend to avoid like the fucking plague. Here are 5 games I won’t be playing in 2016.
Ordinarily Mighty No.9 would tick all the right boxes. I’m quite partial to a 2D-3D hybrid sidescrolling platformer about sentient robots and computer viruses. However, I don’t like Mega Man and Mighty No.9 is basically a Mega Man game that doesn’t star Mega Man. Is it unfair to judge a game based on its spiritual predecessor? It sure as hell is but here I stand doing it anyway.
The trailer doesn’t stop pushing home how “fun” Mighty No.9 will be. It’s as if they’re terrified gamers might be alienated by how frustratingly difficult it’s going to be. Overly-challenging games definitely cater to a particular type of player but I’m not one of them, which is why I don’t intend on playing…
Dark Souls 3
Dark Souls 3, like the Dark Souls before it, looks beautiful. The art design cannot be found anywhere else other than Bloodborne and maybe Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow. Everything is so dark and bleak and brooding – like a Charles Dickens novel. Compliments aside though, FromSoftware will not see my money.
Dark Souls 3 promises to be a punishing game and although I love that burst of ecstasy that follows when you conquer a challenging boss I don’t think I have the patience or will-power when it comes to Dark Souls. I don’t tolerate games that piss me off so either the game or my TV will get snapped in half. It’s also a sequel, which is why I don’t intend on playing…
Mass Effect: Andromeda
I have nothing against the Mass Effect series. If it were a film I would be one of its biggest fans; spaceships and aliens are fucking awesome! Unfortunately, Mass Effect is a bus I missed. I attempted to play the first instalment but got bored by all the conversation trees and roleplaying. Now it’s got to the point where I feel as if I’ve got to force myself through the previous three titles before boarding the Andromeda hype train, and I haven’t got time for that.
Thing is, it’s being pitched as a soft reboot. Andromeda intends to appeal to every gamer in my shoes; if you missed the first three you CAN jump on board because you’ve waited around for so long a second bus has turned up. Space exploration isn’t all it’s cracked up to be though, which is why I don’t intend on playing…
No Man’s Sky
No Man’s Sky by Hello Games is one of the most ambitious games every conceived. There is literally a virtual universe to explore, a universe full of galaxies; galaxies full of solar systems; solar systems full of planets; planets full of life to terrorise and rocks to mine. Yet, no matter how many planets and solar systems Hello Games shows us the universe feels empty. It baffles me. You can travel from one end of the universe to the other but I’m still unsure what you’re supposed to do in No Man’s Sky. What if harvesting minerals and filling a Pokedex is all you can do? Which is why I don’t intend on playing…
I played SuperHot in 2015. It was only for 5 minutes but it was enough. Basically, time only moves when you do. This allows you to line up your shots and watch your enemies walk into your perfectly-placed projectiles.
It’s a unique game mechanic that shows promise but after 7 levels of doing the same shit, staring at the same dull art design, hearing the same metallic voice say “SuperHot” you can probably imagine why I don’t intend to play SuperHot in 2016.
Want to retaliate? Post a comment. I lament once a week but you can follow me on Twitter @LeeLaments where I moan every day.