Phones, Totems & Uwe Boll

Don’t you just hate it when someone finishes every sentence with ‘lol’ or ‘haha’? Me too. I don’t want to mention anyone in particular but screw it – Adam...

Don’t you just hate it when someone finishes every sentence with ‘lol’ or ‘haha’? Me too. I don’t want to mention anyone in particular but screw it – Adam Thomas, I’m pointing my erect throbbing-with-rage finger at you. Cut it out, or the Rake will sneak into your room and peel off your skin while you sleep.

I used to be like you but life soon got in the way and then you realise it’s not a barrel of laughs. It’s a barrel of scorpions. Some are harmless but some are deadly, and you never know which ones until one attacks you. Then it’s all over, and what have you got to show for it? Are you actually laughing out loud or just blowing hot breath out through your nose?

Hear me moan,

It dawned on me the other evening how horrible mobile phones are at being phones. How often do you ring people from your phone? I barely use it for that. I use it for what the modern phone actually is; a pocket PC. Sometimes people will ring me and the moment I answer I can’t wait to put the phone down. Mobile phones are the worst shape for making calls. They don’t sit comfortably by your ear or by your mouth. They also make your ear hot and sweaty, and make your arm ache.

Nothing beats a good old fashioned banana phone; it’s curved bodice, which doubles as a comfortable handle, angles either end at their proper places. Do I ever use one? Fuck no.

The premise of using totems in Christopher Nolan’s Inception doesn’t work. If you haven’t seen Inception you’ll need some context: a totem is an item that reminds you if you’re awake or in a dream by exhibiting a characteristic only you’re familiar with. For example: Arthur’s die is loaded, meaning it is weighted to land on a particular face. Only he knows which number it’ll land on, so if it lands on any other face it must mean he’s in a dream. However, isn’t there a 1/6th chance that the Dreamer will get it right, tricking Arthur into thinking he’s in reality?

Which brings me onto Cobbs’ totem: the spinning top. His spinning top will spin forever if he’s dreaming but it will obviously topple in reality (because PHYSICS!) Only he knows that it will spin forever if he is dreaming, which means everyone else would assume it would abide by the laws of gravity and fall over. So, in theory, no matter what dream Cobb is in (other than his own) his spinning top will always fall down, because the Dreamer fabricates it to, which means Cobb can’t decipher if it’s real or not.

I didn’t rewatch Inception before writing this so my knowledge of that universe might be wrong. Can people take their own totems with them into other Dreamers dreams? If so then my argument is entirely off-base. However, if I am correct then entering another person’s dream doesn’t necessarily mean you will have your totem with you at all, so surely the absence of your totem indicates you’re in a dream, right? Otherwise you’d have it in your pocket or something.

None of this matters anyway. People online have argued that the nature of totems is purposely flawed to fuck with the audience more.

Uwe Boll. What a guy. His reputation precedes him because I haven’t seen a single one of his films and I already know they are all terrible. The coolest film on his IMDb page is Dragon Dog, and even that’s a disappointment when you find out it’s a short film about hot dogs. I didn’t even know he was German until I witnessed his breakdown on YouTube.

Basically, he’s really pissed off that investors will spend their money on Superhero films rather than his films. He’s angry that the stars of these films are laughing at us, the viewers, for parting with our cash to watch such bullshit. Uwe Boll wants to be an artist but Hollywood is a business, not an art gallery. They’re in it to make money.

What’s really condescending about his rant is how he talks down to everyone. He assumes we’re all being tricked into cinemas. He assumes we’re all oblivious where the money goes. None of us are that naïve and most of us aren’t jealous enough to care what Chris Evans spends his income on. We vote with our wallets. We pay for what we want to see. We all have our own lives to lead.

Sure, Hollywood is saturated with Superhero films but are a dozen Uwe Boll movies going to change that landscape? Of course not, or he wouldn’t be turning to Indiegogo and Kickstarter to keep his career on track.

So Mr Uwe Boll, shut your whiney pie-hole and return to whatever swamp you crawled out of.

In other news, four tourists caused a 5.9 earthquake by getting naked on a sacred mountain. I’m dubious because mountain gods aren’t real, nor can four naked humans cause the earth to tremor with such magnitude. At least the heat has been taken off homosexuals, who are the real cause (obviously).

Fire away in the comments below, approach me in the FB group or tweet me @LeeLaments.

Duck Hunt,

Lee the Lamentor


Ross worked here once? what ever happened to him?
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