The Weekend Mock – Playstation VITA 2

/sarcasm

News has surfaced on Twitter thanks to a tweet from @Vita4Life that Sony are about to announce a new “Bigger, Heavier, Dual Screen PS Vita 2”. The tweet (that has been deleted since) showed a picture of the script to be read out detailing all the information on Sony’s new handheld for a secret conference (not so secret anymore) they are holding at  The Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland

With Sony about to launch the PSVR, the biggest competitive VR experience alongside Google Cardboard and Uncle Craig’s DIY model made from a spoon, a shower curtain and a can of Meatballs, they have had all available assets working 22 hours a day to produce the Vita 2, Codenamed :Toúvlo,(Greek meaning ‘brick’). It was due out in Q2 2018 but work has been delayed at present as Sony boffins try to work out if that really is a cigar sticking out of the wall, or just an optical illusion.

The specs are rumoured to be as follows:

HARDWARE:

Twin Touch Screen with 360 x 345 display (front and back)

4GB External hard drive

Pre Programmed Wifi to all McDonalds (updated 3 times a day)

3 thumb sticks.

Front facing camera with Facebook interaction to upload your game face at inappropriate times to gain likes.

“Likes” can be exchanged on the VITA store for wallpapers.

CPU – The CPU is Sony’s secret sauce equivalent inside the machine. It is being produced by the brains that brought us the Virtual Boy. These scientists have been running tests on colour blind Kingfishers for 24 years to  produce and bring us the most high-tech CPU on the planet, (until Nintendo release the 4DS 5 weeks later)

PRICING:

The “base” pack comes with the PS VITA 2, a box……………..that’s it, just a box. for $467.95.

The “Only 1” pack (due to this being the only one that will be available) is $667.95 and comes with everything contained in the “base” pack, plus a copy of Destruction Derby VITA, 4GB External hard drive and Glow in the Dark sticker sheet.

PERIPHERALS:

Memory – Sony have done away with the controversial memory cards, due to not earning enough profit. They have opted to go with USB powered memory sticks instead. However if you want a Sony Official one they vary in price from $99.99 for the 2GB – $215.99 for the top end 12GB!

GAMES: Destruction Derby VITA (an emulated version of the PS1 Platinum classic) is the only game rumoured to be in development, quote from a Sony representative is as follows “we have loads of games we would like to produce, but we all know the only reason VITA sells is so people can hack and play Streets of Rage and ZELDA (Apparently)” This news comes as a huge shock, we all had an understanding that nobody did this sort of thing anymore.

Sony is aiming to finish the conference on a bombshell though!!! Those who pre-order will receive an exclusive……..only for VITA 2 users…………never before seen…………….compatible with PS3 and 4………………………. One of a kind………………Little Big Planet, Sack Boy costume, for your Little Big Planet 2 SackBoy to wear and show off to your friends…….Drops Mic!!!!!!

 

*Disclaimer – what you just read may not have been true. Please don’t quote us on any of the preceding statements or reports. We fully understand some people believe the world is flat and we reserve the right to claim idiocy on their part should they believe a word of this story. Thank you.*

 

 

 

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HighlightsThe Weekend Mock

Writer and Podcaster Jimi was recruited for his military background. Fast, strong and efficient Jimi can kill a man in 18 different ways using only a paper clip and a postage stamp from the year 1992. Jimi has his fingers on the pulse and his hand in his pants. He uses his tactical skills and arms training to write killer articles and make silly jokes on the ‘Out of the Xfire’ podcast. @jimi_martin
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